MAY 20, 1994

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE B-3

FROM THE HART

Large people have their admirers, too

Advice on love, relationships and other issues relevant to sexual minorities.

Dear Taylor,

by Taylor Hart

I am not feeling very good about my relationship with my best friend. We are both gay men in our thirties and we are both overweight. My friend is about twenty pounds overweight and I am more than one hundred pounds overweight.

The problem is that my friend sometimes teases me and makes cruel jokes about my being obese. When I ask him to stop making those types of jokes, he says that he is only joking and that I am overly sensitive. When I tell him that those types of jokes hurt my feelings and cause me emotional pain, he says that my feelings should not be hurt because he is overweight as well. If I try to take the opposite approach and tease him back, he points out that his weight problem is not as severe as mine and that I have no room to talk. When he teases me like that I end up feeling real bad.

I don't know what to do about this friend. Aside from his cruel jokes, which are said only occasionally, he is a good friend. We are very much alike and share many interests. How can I get him to accept the pain I feel about his jokes and get him to stop telling them?

Dear Jeremy,

Jeremy

Your friend knows how you feel about his "alleged" jokes. The situation is not that he doesn't accept your pain, he just chooses to ignore it and insult you with these "jokes"

anyway.

Your friend is using you. By making cruel jokes about your weight, and violating your request to stop telling them, he is able to feel better about his own weight problem. By pointing out that you are at least eighty pounds heavier, he is able to "feel" thin by comparison. As I've said before in past columns, people who feel badly about themselves put others down in order to feel good about themselves. It is their sad attempt to rise above you.

The first thing that I recommend is that you ask yourself why you have a "best friend" who deliberately attempts to hurt your feelings. Who needs a friend like that?

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Real friends do not treat each other this way! It is possible to have friends that are loving and supportive. That's what healthy friendships are all about. A person who ignores your pain and your requests, and tries to score points off you is no friend!

Secondly, I suggest that you pursue people and activities that contribute to your being able to feel good about yourself. Join a club or organization that interests you. If you are looking for romantic partners there are many clubs and magazines for large people and their admirers. Some of these magazines can be found in gay or adult book stores. Try advertising in a Personals section of a newspaper. In your personal ad you can honestly state your weight, thereby attracting people who will be more likely to be accepting of it. There are many people out there who care more about who you are on the inside rather than whether or not your weight is what society considers an acceptable weight. There are many people out there who are exclusively physically attracted to overweight people. There are many people out there, who are also overweight, who desire the supportive friendship of other overweight people. The next time you see another gay, overweight person go up and say hello! You may find a new friend. There are many people out there who are caring, supportive and non-judgmental, but these people won't come and knock at your door. You must go out and find them.

If you desire to lose weight, I recommend that you start off by seeing a physician and having her or him recommend a course of action. Follow your doctor's advice. Do not attempt any type of crash diet. Crash diets are ineffective and dangerous. Your doctor can recommend a healthy meal plan for you to follow. Successful weight loss takes time. People who lose weight quickly generally regain it quickly. You may find some type of counseling or support group to be helpful. You need to question your reasons for wanting to lose weight. You'll be more likely to succeed if you lose the weight for yourselfrather than for someone else. People

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do succeed at losing weight and keeping it off! It is possible!

Don't blame yourself for being overweight. The most current research shows that most overweight people inherit the genetic likelihood to be overweight. Also, you may be suffering from an eating disorder. Compulsive over Eating (eating too much), anorexia nervosa (severe dieting, even to the point of starvation or death) and bulemia (binge eating followed by purging either by forced vomiting or use of laxatives) are all medically recognized eating disorders. Eating disorders are not a sign of

some personal weakness, self indulgence or laziness. If you have an eating disorder, it is not your fault!

I know personally how difficult it can be to lose weight or to live as an overweight person in our society. I, too, am overweight. It is possible to be happy if you take responsibility for creating your own happiness. There are people who care about you. I am one of them. Good luck!

Taylor welcomes your questions. Send them to him c/o the Chronicle.

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